A modest proposal

Please sir, I want some more.For solving the poor health and general scrawniness of Northwest slackers.

Instead of taking suburban California’s excess of foodstuffs and letting it slough into the trash compactor, instead of letting the half-eaten meals at Spagos and Yamashiro pass unbidden back into the kitchen, let us package and ship these things up North, to deserving Southeast Portland hipsters.

We may encounter some initial resistance from the Portlanders to the quantity of meat in these shipments, but we’re certain that the convenience of the program will eventually win over supporters. What’s important here are results, after all. After months of calculations, our statisticians have concluded that if this program is implemented immediately, we can have Portlanders returning to healthy weights as early as the new year. This will result in a welcome increase of energy in the Pacific Northwest economy (not to mention dating scene) and will help curb waste in two important areas:

1) The shameful amount of food that is daily thrown away in Southern California, due to years’ practice of decadent over-consumption.

2) The waste of time, space, and fleeting moments on this Earth that are hourly compounded by Portlanders overflowing with kindness and creativity, but lacking the daily nutrients necessary to light fires beneath their collective hindquarters and make good on the promises of their generation.

In order to kickstart this operation, I have already sealed a half-eaten mutton chop in a protective covering of Suran Wrap and shipped it to my Portland address.

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